July 29, 2008

The Answer to the Previous Post...

(other than, thanks for participating)

Jenna Bush, the unelected Queen of America, suffers greatly from boredom. She lives in a tiny kingdom in Topeka, Kansas, a little Oasis far from the metropolises of Boston and Chicago. No one here is in a Rush to do much of anything. But the queen’s bouts of boredom often lead to Extreme Madness. She tries hard to fight them but it’s of no use. Television doesn’t help. But usually, after three bottles of Everclear, the Muse is upon her: bomb Beirut !!! she screams, and so more Battles are fought in her name—the War in the Balkans, for instance, happened over a broken nail. She’ll watch the bombs drop on CNN until her vision starts to Blur. The sound of a Jet engines puts her close to Nirvana. But when the bodies pile too high for her to count, the boredom returns and she summons the Glorytellers to the court to entertain her, though she knows they always disappoint. They tell a story of her daddy throwing the opening Fastball at the Rangers game and how the crowd booed and booed. They do their best recreation of the Rocky movies, the high point being a dead-on impersonation of Apollo Creed. But it’s all Garbage. They have failed and must choose their Poison. Anthrax is always quite popular. The queen administers it with a Spoon. The tellers-to-be never seem to be Disturbed by certain death, maybe because they all have soft spots for a Blondie like the queen, that or infantile, spoon-feeding fetishes. Even though the queen is perceived as a Supertramp, she’s never found true Love, and this is the root of her sorrow. Quick to say Yes to an easy screw (the teller’s, though all dead, would attest), she’s yet to have her first Kiss. No one seems to understand her. She’s resorted to referring to herself in the third person, relaying all her dreams into a little Sony cassette player that doesn’t even have a rewind button. She moans and vents and complains and cries, on and on until the Tape runs ou

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July 26, 2008

One-Word-Band Mad Libs

Challenge: try to invent a story using all 35 of these band names.

America, Anthrax, Battles, Beirut, Blondie, Blur, Boston, Bush, Chicago, Creed, Disturbed, Everclear, Extreme, Fastball, Garbage, Glorytellers, Jet, Kansas, Karate, Kiss, Love, Madness, Muse, Nirvana, Oasis, Poison, Queen, Rush, Spoon, Supertramp, Tape, Television, War, Yes,  !!!

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July 22, 2008

Bands You Might Discover While Studying for the Bar

Black Acre (definitely a death metal band)

Duty to Warn (Christian rock band heralding the apocalypse)

Attractive Nuisance (like Christian Slater in True Romance)

Unborn Widower (futurist techno; inherently pessimistic)

Known Arsonists (currently recording their next album in prison)

Fertile Octogenarians (a barbershop octet hopped up on Viagra)

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Before and After Bands

Johnny Cash Money Millionaires

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Jeezy

Lil’ Wayne Newton

The Bloodhound Gang of Four Seasons

Belle and Sebastian Bach

Frank Black Sabbath

R Kelly Clarkson

Garth Brooks and Dunn (a big pile of shit)

Nick Cave In

Color Me Bad Religion

504 Boyz II Men at Work

Third Eye Blind Melon

Stone Temple Pilots vs Airplanes

Howlin’ Wolf Parade

And You Will Knows Us By The Trail Of Dead Kennedys

Bikini KMFDM

Goodie Mobb Deep

Project Pat Benetar

UNKLE Tupelo

Vampire Weekend at Bernie’s

Vince Vaughn Beethoven

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